Deep within my soul, I’ve felt a calling for as long as I can remember…God was planting seeds in my heart, giving me experiences, lessons, and mystical encounters. From a wider vantage point, I can see that all of this preparing me for my ever evolving journey.
Oh, sure, I’ve experienced deep pain, confusion, and torment– unsure of where my path was leading me or what I was supposed to do with my life. Yet, despite this uncertainty, I’ve always felt a deep sense of devotion to my spiritual practice, knowing that through God, the empowerment I needed would be there.
However, along the way, I’ve pushed this calling aside, believing that a spiritually devoted life would be too limiting and take away all the fun. As a result, I’ve approached my spiritual calling with a half-hearted attitude. Praying when I needed help or immersing myself into meditation when life seemed to get out of control.
Two years ago, I found myself at the end of a path with no direction of where to go next. I felt lost, frustrated and was extremely depressed. I asked for guidance, but no answer came. Was I even listening, or had I turned down the volume on the guidance the Divine was bringing me?
I soon found myself struggling with depression, sadness, self-loathing, judgment, and feelings of failure. I couldn’t understand why everything I tried seemed to fail, and I felt like I was chasing my tail. One day, as I was on my way to a job I hated, I let all my bottled-up feelings out and screamed at God with accusations of abandonment.
I had only yelled at God twice in my life, and I had never thought of Him as a punisher. I believe that my life, my choices, and my consequences are my own responsibility. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong, but I knew something needed to change.
In response to my frustration and anger, the Divine responded gently and lovingly. It was a lesson my soul needed to learn, a necessary step in my growth and evolution. I had to figure out that I wasn’t on my path, and I needed to face my fear of failure.
Then, speaking with a wise yoga teacher, who reminded me with the words, “You have the tools. You just need to put them in to practice.” My response was….ok, Lord, I get it, a daily devotion to my inner well-being.
For me, as in the early days, I found comfort in books that could re-direct my thinking. I got back into a daily meditation practice along with gratitude and prayer. I rekindled my time on the yoga mat to help me discharge emotions. And, finally, worked on balancing/grounding my energy with Reiki.
Through my suffering, I learned that the need for these daily practices is crucial to my well-being and mental state of mind. I can’t say if one is better than the other because to me they have worked as a layering effect. Each provided the strength needed at a particular time and left me with a tool that could easily be picked up at distressing times.
In conclusion, I feel the Divine calls each of us home in a unique way that speaks to us. The tools we pick up along the way to support us on that journey are unique as well. For me, the tools that have helped me proved to be empowering and powerful in their practice. I hope that if you are struggling, you can find hope in my words that there is a way out of the dark, gray days.