Soul In Crisis

There has been a calling deep within my soul.

Ever since I was a little girl, God has been planting seeds in my heart. He has been giving me experiences, lessons and mystical encounters preparing for this next stage on my journey.

I’ve had torment, deep pain and a whole lot of confusion of where my path was leading me and what I was to do with my life. But, always, there was a deep sense of living a spiritually devoted life.

Yet, I pushed that away. To me, this life seemed too limiting. That I would have to play by rules and all the fun would disappear. So it always seemed like I was going about my spiritual calling with a half way in approach.

Two years ago I realized, I just wasn’t sure where I was heading. I was at the end of a path with no direction of where to go to next. So, I sat, waiting. Yet, no answer came. But, was I even listening? Or did I turn down the volume on the ever present guidance the Divine brings?

The struggle then came. Depression, sadness, self-loathing, judgment and complete feelings of failure.  I let all the bottled up feelings come spilling out one day on my way to work at a job I literally hated (but it was supporting me, I should be grateful-which made the whole situation worse).

In my frustration and rage, I screamed out to God, “Why have you had abandoned me?! Why am I suffering like this?!”

I think I have only yelled at God like that 2x in my whole life. I mean, you don’t get angry with the Divine because that’s who is holding the keys to the kingdom right? Or for me my personal belief was the respect thing-you just don’t yell at God. And, I didn’t think of God as a punisher because I go by the mantra–My life, my choices, my consequences. I am a big believer in “karma” and what you put in is what you get out.

But, I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong! I tried what I loved, it didn’t work out. I felt I was chasing my tail. Surely, going back to it wasn’t the answer. Or was it?  Ugh.

Gentle and loving in response, the Divine did not retaliate. And, why should he, this was my life, my choices and these were the consequences. It was a lesson my soul needed to figure out and this was something that was needed for my own growth and soul evolution.

I had to figure out that I was not on my path, I wasn’t doing what I loved and I had to get over fears of failing. It was at that point, I started looking for ways to find my way back when a wise yoga teacher advised-you have the tools, put them in to practice.

Then, the guidance and support trickled in through books and teaching that have always helped me in the past. Body and mind practices found in Yoga, meditation, prayer and Reiki. I thought these were paths explored, but I realized they were not examined & practiced to their full potentials.

In the aftermath of my suffering, another jewel had come to light and I realized that the hard times were just part of the plan. A way to remind me to go back to the basics or maybe they were tests of spirit and my Faith.

Maybe, and what I am slowly discovering now, the challenging times have nothing to do with me individually. They are just part of some big cosmic plan that is somehow for the benefit of the greater good and it is so much deeper than the purpose of one girl from Wisconsin.